I got to sleep late last night, as I kept making little tweaks to things. I got Subversion working with Coda, the editor I’ve been trying out on the Macintosh side of my computing environment, and it’s great! I did a few fixes to the website, and committed these changes to the repository. FELT GOOD. DAMN GOOD.

This morning I woke up and found myself wondering: NOW WHAT? So it’s interesting that I can get what felt like a lot of important work done, and still feel kind of anxious about it. For once, I decided to just push that thought out of my mind.

Still, I recognized that I needed to gather my thoughts and regroup. As I made my way downstairs, I noted for the first time the disaster my house had become in my work frenzy: cat hair balls growing on the carpet like mushrooms after a spring rain, piles of unopened mail, an unseemly pile of crumbs on the dining room table. In fact, the only part of the house that seemed presentable was a 4 sq-foot area in from of my monitor. I hadn’t looked at the rest of the house at all, and this lack of attention was showing quite plainly. I had managed to unlock a whole new level of bachelor sloth.

Anyway, I had written down a “get my head clear” recipe a couple weeks ago:

• Scan the Google Calendar
• Scan my Project Basecamp
• Scan my Emails
• Scan my Wunderlist

In about 15 minutes, I got a sense of where things were, and what I needed to take care of. This week, there’s a big development push I want to make on another client’s work. Also, I have to push out at least one “money making activity” idea, which is probably going to be a poster based on this post. I may also want to look at some development topics, but for balance I think I need to work with something physical instead of looking at more code.

A second ritual that I have been focusing on these days is getting out of the house first thing. If I linger by the computer, productivity sinks. There’s something about my Starbucks location that makes me want to work…probably it’s the hustle and bustle. While I’m at SBUX, I review the calendar and so forth, and then draw out a version of the Emergent Task Planner in my notebook. Today I wrote this at the top of the page:

The mood of the day…slightly concerned. I was expecting some kind of reward , but none is forthcoming even after he big push. The desire for a reward is strong! However…I can train myself out of this. I feel strangly SAD and TENSE about this, for some reason

A third ritual is to face the feeling and identify it. I feel sad and tense, but why? If I can name it, that gives me power over it.

• I think I feel let down that more exciting things didn’t happen after putting a lot of work in this weekend. Maybe I want someone to tell me I did a good job, or to know that it mattered. How would I feel if I did receive this kind of attention? Actually, I would feel a little embarrassed or self-conscious.
• Maybe I want the recognition that I worked hard and am therefore a person that deserves some kind of respect. There’s probably a little bit of that.
• I think the overall pattern is that I want some AFFIRMATION of WORTH. However, I already know that I did something that is going to help me in the long run; I don’t need affirmation in this. It would be nice if someone else cared about it, but it’s not necessary. I already have plenty of support.

The upshot: I’m fine, let’s move on. I am noting, though, that there is a desire to connect with other people who are doing similar things, the desire to have comrades or brothers- and sisters-in-arms. But that’s why this Stream of Conscioiusness blog exists…I’m sending the signal out there, and seeing what bounces back.

So I think I’m OK. With that clarified, it’s time to do some work.