(last edited on April 29, 2014 at 1:29 am)
One of my female friends has been going through an “extended pre-courtship ritual”, for lack of a better description, with one rugged fellow she’s met. Lately, though, things have seemed to stall…what’s up with that? Flirting: check! Meaningful conversation: check! But where’s the followup? So far, she’s seen zero action on his part, and frankly she’s getting tired of waiting.
So we’ve been chatting about the causes of this irritating lack of manly initiative on the dude’s part. As a guy, I had some theories about this embarassing lapse of action by “my team”…maybe he’s intimidated? Maybe he’s just a boy and doesn’t know what to do? Interesting to theorize about, but wasn’t getting my friend anywhere.
A couple weeks pass, and my friend mentions a book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called He’s Just Not That Into You: “The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”. My assignment: read it and report whether it was full of crap or not; when I mentioned this to the help desk women at Barnes and Noble, they nodded in recognition and grimly led me to its resting place in the “relationships” section.
He’s Just Not That Into You is written by a consulting storywriter (Greg) with an executive story editor (Liz) for the show Sex and the City.
The general idea: If that guy you’re seeing isn’t moving heaven and earth to be with you, to be nice to you, or otherwise make a commitment…he’s just not that into you. Move on!
I started with a healthy dose of skepticism, but as I went through it, it rang true. The book shoots down every excuse that you’re likely to hear from a guy; Greg’s premise is that if a guy is really into you…he’s not going to let anything get in his way. He will act. He will overcome scheduling difficulties and fears. Commitment will not be an issue. If he doesn’t, then that’s probably not the guy you want, sorry. He’s just not into you enough. So don’t waste your time making excuses for him…find someone who is into you, who will will treat you the way you deserve. Greg doesn’t want you to settle. Liz isn’t so convinced…she provides the counterpoint to Greg’s straight male perspective, and grudgingly admits that she sees how it’s true.
In a broader sense, I wonder if the same underlying principle can be applied to business practice. Some relationships are built on hope: that we can find “enough of a match” so we don’t end up being alone. Can the same thing be said about business relationships, rephrased as “we work together, finding enough synergy so we build a product that works”? Milton Glaser, the American Graphic Designer, said once that he can only work for people he likes…perhaps this is in the same vein?
I suspect, in either Love or Business, figuring out what’s more important to you–reaching for the highest and maybe not reaching it versus finding a compromise that works–will have some degree of correlation with how one perceives He’s Just Not That Into You. Sure, there are exceptions…but read this so you know what signals you’re putting out there. Unless you’re my sister, who finds the whole idea of this book absolutely appalling :-)
7 Comments
I’ll scan it next time I’m at Borders, and admit I have made fun of it based on its cringe-worthy chick lit-esque cover and Sex and the City references in its description.
What appalls me most is:
Why the hell do women need a book (or Oprah) to tell them what they probably already know anyway?!
It’s sort of like a diet book that tells you “Eat Less” and then takes your money. :) Sucka!
I will still examine this next time I’m at a book stand, to be fair. :)
——-
One more thought…if you go around looking for answers in a book, you probably have an idea of what you want to hear.
I am not saying that books aren’t fine as tools, as supplements to gain perspective, reinforce positive behaviors, etc. I agree. But not everyone’s like you. And you don’t work with a bunch of hens. :)
So when are you going to write YOUR book? :)
Anyway, hope it all works out for your friend! If this book helps her in some way, that’s cool. But remember analyzing everything too much will make you crazy. Best of luck! :)
I hear ya on “analyzing too much makes you crazy”…maybe that’s the book I should write for MYSELF. Some people have a higher tolerance / effectiveness ratio regarding analysis :-)
in poker they call this “On Tilt”
both have valid points, but i’m going to side with emily on this one. stupid book…only wish I had written it (read $$$).
seems symptomatic for people in this day and age to look for someone else to tell them what they should think. rather than to think for themselves. or in this case, just trust their instincts. novel concept i know. self-awareness and self-reliance seem to be relics of a bygone era. with books like this contributing to an overall dumbing down of society. not saying as humans we don’t need to rely on others for support, but come on…
Doh, I accidentally deleted my first comment while fixing Seuss’ posting problem.