(last edited on April 29, 2014 at 1:26 am)
I had another one of those shocking shower insights this morning:
- I am good at organizing, but I am not an organized person by nature.
- I am good at noticing details, but I am not detail-oriented by nature.
- I am good at understanding and defining process, but I do not follow the same process every time.
- I am knowledgeable about productivity and productivity tools, but I am not a systematically productive person.
Now, I recognize that my definition of “organized” is quite subjective; in relative terms, I may actually be quite organized, detail-oriented, process-driven, and productive compared to other people. However, it’s not how I think of myself. While I have at times molded my behavior to conform to these ideals because it’s what I expect from professionals—these are the credibility markers I look for in competent people—I nevertheless find maintaining such high levels of organization, detail, and process to be very draining. This might explain why I was so “meh” last weekend: I was already tired, and I subconsciously knew I would be drained even further by my “responsible and forward-looking” plans. That’s not much of an incentive.
This realization puts me in a peculiar bind. One would ordinarily assume that the above subjects, which I write about frequently, are the ones I am passionate about. This is not entirely the case, as a good percentage of it is obsessive compulsion. To be passionate is to be moved because you are filled with powerful emotion (in this context, it’s presumably positive emotion). Compulsion is something else; it’s what you have to do because you can’t not do it. This is NOT always a good feeling; satiating a compulsion is more about alleviating pain, not feeling joyful. While I am capable of being an organized, detail-oriented person, it’s not something that brings me joy in itself. In fact, I am quite drained by the effort, which isn’t good for long-term sustainability.
A Catalog of Compulsion
Although following through with these compulsions isn’t necessarily good for me, several of them are bankable. I imagine that a lot of people are in the same situation, and can identify themselves with the double-edged nature of having compulsions that others find useful. Here’s some of mine:
Compulsion 1. I am paralyzed until I collect, analyze and organize information and break it down, so I can identify the patterns and construct a self-consistent model of understanding.
- The positive: I actually have gotten very good at analyzing information and finding interesting ways of collecting it, so it’s not something I fear. I’ve learned to trust that I will find some kind of answer that will allow me to move forward. *The negative: I can’t actually act until I have gone through enough of the deconstruction process. It takes less time now, but there are certain situations where acting first and thinking later is probably the more effective approach.
Compulsion 2. I constantly seek details that doesn’t fit the pattern, or the meta-detail that explains it all.
- The positive: I’m a data scanning machine, processing whatever data I need into recognizable patterns. For some reason the interesting data points (the ones that make me ask “why”) seem to jump out. The best possible outcome: stunning clarity and surprising insight.
- The negative: It can be very exhausting to go through tons and tons of data, leading to massive eyestrain and headaches. It’s a compulsion to keep looking. I also tend to gloss over what appears to be “normal” data, unless there is an unexplained phenomena that causes me to question its validity.
Compulsion 3. I seek the novel or insightful solution over the boring and mundane.
- The positive: Insight is the gateway to clarity and innovation. That rocks.
- The negative: Sometimes, the obvious solution is just as good. And, I tend to lose interest in ordinary solutions unless there’s a secondary source of motivation. For example, if I’ve made a personal promise to deliver, or if there’s a game challenge behind it. However, the net process drains energy, albeit more slowly, and is ultimately exhausting. If there is no secondary at all, the energy drain is enormous.
Compulsion 4. I constantly feel the need to document and record my insights, because I don’t trust my memory to be a 100% reliable store. I document so I can remember the hard-won insights, and communicate them to other people who might find them useful.
- The positive: I write a lot, and blogging has turned this into a catalyst for productive enterprise. It’s also delivered many, many insights that have gotten me to this point. This was completely unplanned.
- The negative: Creating good documentation is quite time-consuming. Plus, it is a waste of time if no one really reads what you’ve documented.
Compulsion 5. I am compelled to find connections between everything and anything.
- The positive: Oftentimes there’s quite a novel idea or solution hiding in between nodes of information. Many great opportunities are just waiting to be discovered.
- The negative: Not everything and anything needs to be connected, and this habit makes me very easy to distract from the task at hand. Just call me tangent boy.
I’m Not Broken, Just Miscategorized
Before people start worrying, THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP. I’m just curious what the ramifications are regarding my quest for identity.
Why am I on this quest, you ask? Um, maybe it has to do with establishing my global microbrand? Or maybe creating a foundation of understanding on which to base my self-esteem? Perhaps it’s because I need to define myself, because I can’t effectively differentiate myself from the crowd without knowing what I am?
I once theorized that “doing what you’re good at” was one path to fulfillment (this is from the “life doesn’t have to be hard” school of thought). There’s a place for that, but it’s not the complete answer. I’m not excited by doing what’s easy for me or what I’m “good” at…there’s something missing.
What about Passion?
Passion is what moves you, a powerful-but-fleeting sensation that sweeps you away with emotion. Here’s a sobering thought: I might be a passion junkie, eagerly looking for my next fix of joy when I should be getting to work like a responsible citizen.
A healthier way of looking at passion is to think of the positive applications to people. The first one that comes to mind is, not surprisingly, Kathy Sierra’s blog Creating Passionate Users, where she illuminates the mechanisms behind creating empowering experiences for people so they can kick ass. I become inexplicably happy whenever I see enabling experience happen in any form; it’s one of the few things that I take as a given about myself, no questions asked.
What makes me super happy, though, is seeing people empower themselves in ways they have may have dreamed of but never dared to reach for. The difference between Kathy Sierra and me is this: I’m really more interested in elevating the level of creative empowerment, and it is this that drives my interest in productivity, design, development, storytelling, and psychology. This probably stems from the frustration of not being able to make what I’ve wanted to make since I was a kid; always isolated, never having the right tools or experience, lacking access to people who knew something about the subjects I was interested in, being trapped in a country where I could not read/write the language, and confused by ambiguous pattern-based educational experiences.
Here’s another way of spinning it: I want to create the community I didn’t have when I was a kid How’s that for self-interest? :-) Secondly, I don’t want anyone to be deprived of the opportunity to find their best way. Bullies, assholes, sheep, nay-sayers, mean people, ignoramuses, and “The Man” are the natural enemies of this process; one must not suffer these people to bring the rest of us down.
This may very well be the mission I am looking for. While it’s not as selfless and grand a mission as I might have wanted, I think it’s pretty very close to the raw truth.
Scoping the Mission
Now that the mission has been redefined, I can apply an Intention / Motivation / Expectation analysis:
Intention: Create a higher level of creative empowerment; create passionate creators; provide insights, materials, and opportunities for people to use and apply to their own life. Make a living doing this. Motivation: Since no one else I know is really this, I have to do it myself. Expectation: I expect that I’ll be happier, more fulfilled, and more productive because I will have a community that provides both the stimuli and creative energy to move forward. I want to be around people like this all the time.
The bases are loaded, so it’s time to follow up with the heaviest-hitting word of them all: WHY?
Well…I don’t really know for sure why. The best I can say is that I suspect I will be happier because I feel good around creative out-of-the-box types. I feel good when I make things that people respond to on an emotional level. I feel good when I write something that makes a lot of sense and helps people understand.
Since this is not quite the home-run of an answer I was hoping for, I’ll go ahead and apply the next string of analysis words. These are more tactical in nature:
Assumptions: My assumption is that offering commodity design services is not going to bring me happiness. I believe that I need to have a strong reason for doing whatever it is I’m doing. While having a mission itself provides additional motivation, I know from my own past that I’ll need an immediate focus to help me power through. The immediate focus can be provided by short-term projects: the books, various productivity forms, idea sharing spaces, and so forth. Constraints: I need to stay focused and make money to support myself, so I am constrained by the amount of time left over. I also need to align myself with projects that are at least tangentially related to the mission of creative empowerment. Fortunately, that is a pretty broad field; there is plenty of skill-related project work that will help sharpen my edge. I’m also constrained by available energy, both in myself and in the energy I can surround myself with. The solution to that is finding the right people, maybe even co-schemers, that keep me excited and energized. Assets: I have plenty of ideas, so I can afford to generate and give away for cheap. It’s a competitive advantage. I know really great and interesting people. I have everything I need to design on a computer, and I know people who can help me break through to the next levels of production. And I can write very very fast. Dependencies: The most critical one is myself, because I need to ensure I’m moving forward on the goal of creating this empowered creativity platform. Finding co-schemers or co-workers is equally important, because you can’t have a community of one :-)
With that, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do, so what’s left is definition and visualization. Then I’d define tangible deliverables and associated metrics of success that tie back to the original intention / motivation / expectations phase. But right now I’m kind of tired, so I’ll sleep on this and see if it makes sense later this week.
13 Comments
I can totally relate…I wonder if there is a pattern to the people who exhibit these characteristics?
Because I do both design and programming and this mixture of creative + analytical behaviors causes me to find ways to link them together.
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This is an example of your writing that I like so much!
“The bases are loaded, so it’s time to follow up with the heaviest-hitting word of them all: WHY?”
What are the things you do that only you can do?
That you do better than most people?
Also, there are ways to organize based on your internal rhythms and moods, but still productive, for example The Tao of Time. I find these methods to be a little more difficult to document and chart, and thus to have productive results in. Plus, you’ve just said you really like to document. However, it may be a good intuitive and burst approach to try.
In summary, you sure sound like you’re on the right track to something. YAY!
I hear you on this and sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees and actually recognise when you are mistaking passion for what is really compulsion. I guess it’s about finding the right balance – after all there are some things we all have to do, we just need the good stuff there also to get through the hum-drum. Still haven’t quite figured out my balance on it yet but am getting there, I think :) Great blog Dave.
David,
Thanks for sharing so much of your “internal” life – I can relate alot, particularly to compulsion 1, 2, 3 and 5.
For me, 3 key challenges in managing these compulsions:
1) translating them into cash, i.e. coming up with concrete products or services that can be created, valued by third parties and paid for.
2) awarding oneself congratulations or reaching a state of contentment – once in a while, on the way to… so to speak.
3) finding ways of keeping in contact with others – not trying to do everythign oneself all the time, leaving room for others to contribute as well.
I’ve gone, perhaps, 20% of the way, and I’m 40!
Again, thanks alot for sharing your inner life so clearly and openly.
Best
Allen
Dave,
I completely understand where you are coming from and where you are trying to go. I am stuck in a simular life position, as I choose to pursue a dream job with no real security over a more boring traditional path that would have secured many of my life goal without the flash or fame. That dream job has become nightmare, as my high level of achievement and my need to keep pushing forward has turned turned me into a ‘go-to’ guy for everything…most of which should be done by someone else, but the designated people have turned into just filling slots and don’t actually live up to there potential at there positions. With a lot of recent changes, there’s a lot of tugging at my attention, but instead of bailing when I had a out, I decided to stick with it and take its potential to make the new start toward my advantage and to the companies improvement.
I don’t really mind not jumping ship. I wasn’t exactly qualified to do the work with the new company and would be working with truely inferior resources. But I have become dissapointed in the lack of effort put forth by those around me because every one knows eventially I’ll get pissed that something that isn’t getting done is getting in the way of my work and I’ll fix it, or others just can’t keep up with some of the basic duties and I’ve got to bail them out.
Being bogged down with responsiblies and compulsions that mean nothing to you keep you from working your passions to everyone’s advantage, or finding new passions to pursue. I hope you are able to get your plan in place and find plenty of co-schemers to help you along the way.
Nice post Dave, it could really work in a book or something about career refocusing.
I really like Intention/Motivation/Expectation as an analysis, and I haven’t heard that before anywhere – did you get that from anywhere specific?
And I have Compulsion 3 as well; it bit me in the butt recently when I tried to produce a nonlinear web-based essay for college, which was certainly fun to produce but wasn’t focused enough on the academic side.
Hi Dave,
I have been reading you for over 8 months, and this is the first time I am leaving a comment.
You are spot on about the need to differentiate betweenn compulsion and passion. I often joke about my OCD, but figuring out how to channel my passions is exactly why I use the Covey system for my uber planning, GTD for my weekly planning and your forms as my day-to-day toolbox.
I too had to take a break from the 15 minute timing. I got a lot done, but I went too far and my sense of passion ground to a halt. So I am ending a two week break. Tomorrow I start back on the timers, but I am going to place limits on how long I use them each day. The timer satisfies my compulsion, but there is a cost.
I am going to meditate on your list of compulsions—many seem like old friends to me. Maybe I will post more later.
I suspect you are like me, an INTJ. I too find myself drawn to collect information, analyze it and then create a meta level understanding of it all. It is what made me an excellent electricial engineer, researcher, internet architech and now a part-time web designer and full time mystic and shaman.
I too struggle with finding my way to what energizes me while still taking the time to do what is required. I liken it to a struggle between the curiosity of my air mind and the necessities of my earth body.
You are entailing, through your blog, the journey of so many of us introverted air types. I enjoy people in moderation, but a co-schemer, co-conspirator, a collaborator and co-creator are exactly what I crave. But alas, here in my evil genius lair, I was all alone with my calico sidekick … until of course, I found you, your blog and all your incredible commenters.
I am feeling less alone. I am also feel as if there is someone out there who truly groks what people like me are up against. Thank you.
Hi Dave and Everyone:
This is a long response, just ignore it and move on if you are not very interested in psychology.
OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), the bona fide DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) diagnosis is a miserable condition and state of mind. In OCD people have recurrent, persistent, hair-raising anxieties that they believe will be relieved by carrying out a compulsive action. What happens is that upon doing the compulsive behavior, there is relief for a moment from the anxiety. However this is short-lived and is followed by the return of anxiety that is even worse than it was in the first place. The treatment of OCD, the real thing, is 1) medication that interrupts the feeling of anxiety (usually SSRIs –selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), and 2) a kind of cognitive treatment called “Exposure with Response Prevention.” Sometimes people get better using ERP alone. What ERP means is that the sufferers expose themselves to the anxiety-producing stimuli, and they don’t engage in the behavior that they believe will bring relief from the anxiety. If the behavior is engaged in, the anxiety comes back all the more intense, and a horrible cycle begins and is then underway, over and over and over again.
OCD is different from OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), in that in OCPD the thoughts, beliefs, behaviors are “ego syntonic” meaning they seem OK to the person, even good. In OCD the thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are “ego dystonic” meaning not pleasurable, awful for the sufferer. In OCPD a person thinks their ritualistic, compulsive behavior is the right thing to do, makes sense, and is the way to do things. In OCD the person knows the actions they take make no sense, and they suffer from terrible anxiety almost all the time. In milder forms of OCD people know that their fears are unrealistic, and that the behaviors to relieve the anxiety are absurd. In more severe cases the sufferer does not realize the anxieties are unrealistic, the fears are based on an incorrect assumption about a situation, nor does he or she know that the behaviors are counterproductive, unrealistic, and often ridiculous. But in OCD the person suffers both from the anxiety and the compulsive behaviors, he or she doesn’t believe that the actions are the way to do things, and doesn’t feel good about carrying out compulsive behaviors. In other words, in OCD the sufferer is deeply upset about his or her mental and behavioral processes, and wants a change, whereas in OCPD the sufferers think they are fine, and don’t want to change.
I rarely do this, but I have edited this comment for extreme length. Lynn’s very informative and complete comment has been moved to a public forum thread for further discussion—Dave
JL: Hm, that’s a very interesting idea. I think there’s something there, and I want to know what it is. As a personality type in the Myers Brigg Type Indicator, I tend to type as INTJ and INFP (never INFJ or INTP, for some reason). How do you think we can discover the pattern?
Senia: I think “what are the things you do that only you can do” is one of those questions that is hard to answer for a couple of reasons: (1) a tendency for me to think in terms of absolutes and (2) a fundamental belief that everyone can do whatever they really put their heart into, so I am no better than anyone else and (3) knowing that people tend to have relative standards for judging things, therefore my standards are also relative. This last one is in conflict with (1)…not sure yet how to resolve it :-)
Wine-girl: Thanks for the comment! Good luck on finding your balance on it. There’s a triumvirate of things I think: the things one’s compulsive about, the things that are joy-bringing, and then everything else (like survival). I can sort of envision an erector set toy that would allow one to visualize the various pieces of “work-life balance”. Hmmm…what an interesting idea :-)
Allen: Thanks for sharing those three key challenges. It appears that we’re on the same path, and approximately at the same place in time. If you think in terms of the 80/20 rule, maybe that 20% of what you have is 80% of what you need! Yes, I am engaging in a purposeful flight of logical fallacy :-)
Jay Cee: I’m not sure what the best way out of your bind is (not that you’re asking, but you got me thinking about it). The “human nature” part of me tells me that people will always go to the easiest and most convenient way of alleviating their workload, and if you’re perceived as the “go to guy” in an environment that doesn’t differentiate between those people with some kind of formal recognition and reward, it sucks very much, and you get drained of energy. I hope you can find some way to disrupt the pattern. If you truly don’t mind jumping ship, you might just walk right into your manager’s office and tell ‘em you need to work with someone that has X Y and Z qualities, and that you’d like to be involved in the next hiring cycle. If you’re already in an executive position, then this is probably a little easier. Just a thought.
Sam: Hey, that’s an interesting idea, about career refocusing. If I ever get to a point where I think I’ve successfully done it, maybe I’ll write something :-)
The “Intention/Motivation/Expectation” analysis is something I came up with years ago…it’s sort of based on the interactive cycle in video game design (it arose out of practicing “expectation management” in the design phase). I’ll have to write it up sometime, because I think it’s pretty cool.
Katrina: Awesome, thanks for leaving a comment! You know, I’ve never really looked closely at the Covey system…it seemed expensive to me at the time and I have a tendency to like to roll-my-own tools.
I really like the idea of pacing your 15-minute timing sessions so they’re not all day…that’s brilliant! Maybe in a way I’ve been doing the same thing by cherry-picking which particular productivity tool I’m using for the day.
I actually do type as an INTJ, when it comes to the “work/project mode”. However, I also tend to type as an INFP when I’m in a more dreamy mode. The F/T J/P scale for me has always been very evenly balanced, more so as I grow older. I’m very strongly N, and slightly I…I actually have been typing as E more recently, which is maybe a sign of growing comfort. When I was a kid I was actually a lot more outgoing, but I sort of withdrew into myself when I hit the 4th or 5th grade, again when I hit the 10th grade. Perhaps it was the lack of the right sort of stimulation.
Lynn: Thanks for bringing in the psychological perspective of what “OCD” means clinically…it’s very interesting to see what the extremes are, because it provides a clearer sense of what we’re talking about. I’m using the terms compulsion and obsessive in a more informal sense.
With regards to the political nature of your interpretation of what I’m doing (note: the rest of the comment describes this)…very strange! I’ll have to think about this. I am uncomfortable with the idea of calling a group to action under “my” banner, so I don’t think this is what I’m doing. I’d rather see people surge forth under their own banners; if mine helps them see something they like too, I’m glad if they take that and run forward with it themselves.
This is great, Dave. Like others said, thanks for your sharing.
When you wrote, “I’m really more interested in elevating the level of creative empowerment, and it is this that drives my interest in productivity, design, development, storytelling, and psychology,” I just cheered. I thought, “Right on, Dave — now you’re hitting it!”
It keeps getting better from there, but I don’t want to make too long of a comment. I loved the way you kept on pursuing truth, for you. Really inspiring.
(I resonate personally, as well… I’m starting to meet with a new group of mastermind/co-scheming partners myself, for the same reasons and same intentions you mentioned.)
Thanks again.
This was timely. I’m a freelance business writer and training developer, and I was just thinking about the qualities my long-term clients cite as the reasons they hire me again and again, and about the difficulty I have seeing those in myself. Much as you said, they will tell me how exceptionally well-organized I am, and I keep thinking, “If only I could get organized . . .”
I came to the conclusion if the real me could hire the me that my clients see, life would be a lot simpler!
Thanks for the ideas!
Adam: Thanks for the kind words, and I’m glad you see what I do as pursuing my personal truths. Maybe I’m not crazy! :-) Good luck with finding your mastermind partners!
Will: Interesting thought! It would be interesting if you reframed their accolades about organization into what’s really behind it: they appreciate that you stay organized for THEM. Sort of like the mom that keeps shoving food at their kids, because that’s how they say they love them without getting all mushy about it :-)