SUMMARY: I’m in a very low energy state at the moment, and it’s difficult to initiate projects with enthusiasm. I can initiate them if I’m able to invoke the 15-minute work trick, but there is a lot of resistance. I’m in a somber down-cycle instead of being in a chipper up-cycle. I wonder why? Rumination follows
I’m sitting here at Starbucks on a Tuesday, my mind drifting and short-circuiting as I try to think of something I want to work on. My attention span is fogged by what feels like grey clouds of static that are densely clustered around my motivational centers. It’s an interesting sensation.
I’ve also noticed lately that I’ve been clicking a lot more on random websites, looking to see what’s new. I’ll click the same link 5 seconds after I’ve closed it, unthinkingly, hoping that something new will pop up. I’ve not wanted to go to sleep, watching bad TV on Hulu.
I apparently am lacking enthusiasm and drive, which is resulting in a lack of focus. I’ve noticed I’ve been sleeping longer, too…instead of popping awake after 8 hours, I am sleeping for 10-12 hours at a time. On Monday, I slept for 14 hours.
I just had to take a break from typing and close my eyes. There is VERY LITTLE mental energy available to me right now. It’s fascinating that I can actually feel how much energy there is. I suspect, though, that it is some kind of malfunction. The energy is there, if I can break though this barrier of stickiness. Yesterday, I was in the same mood but forced myself to start working on something for just 15 minutes; after that, I was able to keep going for quite a bit longer.
I think I would diagnose myself as having a form of depression resulting from a lack of some kind of critical energy. That energy might be the interpersonal energy of shared perspective, or it may be that I’ve been operating open-loop too long on my projects. In that light, I’ve had a pretty good productive month of making and learning things. However, very little energy was returned in the meantime. For example, I did quite a bit of work on the “web application” project, and added quite a bit of new knowledge. However, nothing has really resulted from this that gives me the happy burst of feedback.
This reminds me of an ocean wave. I was able to generate a huge surge of activity that pushed forward and got a lot of hard stuff done. However, there is a corresponding trough that comes after the wave; that’s where I may be now. Another way of modeling this would be that I’m like a self-recharging battery, and after pushing out a large amount of energy it takes time to recover. If I push out an EXTREME amount of energy relative to my total charge, then perhaps the recharge process itself is compromised, and I need to recondition myself before I’m capable of recharging to full.
A few possibilities come to mind:
- I could just allocate the recharge time by taking a true vacation from this stuff, and doing something completely different.
I could try to find more interpersonal energy sources, but this is the wrong time to do it because I’m at such a low energy state.
p>I’m going to waive my desire to be pushing forward on existing projects and do something different. Maybe that will help.
It’s also possible that I’m experiencing some kind of nutritional imbalance, or am about to catch a cold. I’d like to change gyms (there is a closer one now that I should check out) and also get the body moving more. I should be drinking more water. I have been eating healthier.