(last edited on April 29, 2014 at 1:26 am)
I’ve been in a period of enforced solitude, which is hard for me to bear because my summer was socially excellent. I was out in the sun almost every day, forming connections with the people at the local Starbucks and marveling at the variety of life experience that had opened to me. Then a few weeks ago, it got cold, and the economy started sinking into the mire; as a result a lot of us are hunkering down for a tough winter. My mood has not been helped by the nature of the computer programming work I’m doing either, as it demands such intense concentration that my personality essentially fades away. I’ve developed a bad case of programmer-face, which is that impassive, mask-like expression with deadened eyes. Friends have actually stopped to ask if I’m OK, because they’re not used to seeing me like this.
solitude: the inside vantage point
On the bright side, an interesting thing about this period of solitude is that with the absence of the social pleasantries has come a recognition that I need to re-establish my self-reliance in facing certain life questions. Since no one else is around, I’m the only one available to address the following awful truths:
- I’m bored with the immediate life possibilities.
- I’m not really fulfilled by the kind of work I’m doing.
- I’m still lonely despite having lots of great friends. Lots!
It’s only been in the quiet of my isolated state that I could even hear these questions echo around the inside my head. The summer, fraught with pleasant distractions, kept me from worrying too much about them.
In a past life, I would have been kind of mad about being distracted from tackling those big life questions. Being somewhat mellower now, I recognize that these “distractions” are actually the aspect of living that I value most. I’ve been so serious, speculatively concerned, and too darn anxious about not getting things right. It’s easy to develop this kind of tunnel vision, I think, when one allows external expectations (social, cultural, or otherwise) to out-weigh the importance of letting life happen around you. I’m sure that for many people this is a pretty obvious observation, but I think some of my fellow procrastinators and perfectionists might understand what I’m saying.
the corrective action
There are two forces that normally battle within me: the desire for taking control of my life and the desire for inspiration and calling. The former is a rational/control-based desire, and the latter is more about feelings and emotions. The desire to steer my life in a self-beneficial manner is all about control and reason, while the desire for inspiration is more like that summery feeling blowing me to wherever it might take me. I can see that I really want to integrate them together.
The first step that comes to mind is to reframe both desires as one principle: Inspiration and hope can come from anywhere, but answers and action have to come from inside of me. This leads to the following line of reasoning:
- I’m bored? Do something to create new possibilities to break the cycle of ennui.
- My work feels lacking? Make bolder choices about the kind of work I believe will be fulfilling.
- I feel isolated? Make an effort to be involved in people’s lives.
This is a simple and concrete diagnosis, but it’s much easier said than done.
taking on motivation
For me, the main obstacle is the lack of motivation. For example, I’ve been feeling really blah for the past couple of weeks, and it was really affecting my mood at the few social events I’ve attended that should have been a lot of fun. I spent a good chunk of a day sitting on a giant warm sunny rock in the mountains with some of my best friends enjoying wine, aged artisan cheeses and gourmet fruit tarts. And that very same day, 100 miles south, I was in Harvard Square with my awesome sister in a beautiful church listening to Sarah Vowell read from her latest book, followed by yummy pan-asian food at Wagamama and a taste of fresh yogurt and berries from Berryline. It should have been a perfect day, yet it was not. And what sucked even more was that I didn’t know why I felt that way.
A few days later, reflecting on this sad turn of events, I impulsively indulged in some self-pity and lamented out loud, I am so lame. The very next instant, the truthfulness of the statement stuck: I was being lame, and I had subconsciously known this for weeks.
This was very liberating, and here’s why: I have a very strong aversion to the mediocre, which is something that I’d forgotten until recently. Being lame is a form of mediocrity, or perhaps more accurately mediocrity as a value promotes lameness. I’m being a little loose with the definition here, but what I’m saying is that I believe I was withdrawing from the world because I intuitively knew I was being lame, and therefore was not doing anything to raise the level of “interesting” around me. I had found the bottom of my well of personal values, and having landed, I could now look up and see how far I had to climb to get out.
There are two familiar motivation-killers that stand in the way of getting out of my well of lameness: uncertainty and fear. I don’t want to waste my time doing something that I don’t know will pay off, and that uncertainty leads to anxiety. I also don’t want to lose what I already have, so that creates timidity and more hesitation. This all manifests as a kind of low-level fear and desire to cling to people. And this is preventing me from changing my life, charging ahead to try something really different that could very well lead to a more interesting life.
forging two new rules
While I could self-prescribe a number of concrete “action items” to manage my way out of the doldrums, I know it won’t work for me because this is a form of deferral. Next actions, while immediately doable, are just steps along the way to a larger goal in the future. This is a delayed reward, and I just am not wired to appreciate small steps despite their proven effectiveness. And if I’m not wired for this, a plan comprised of next actions serve as a very poor motivator when it comes to a team consisting of me, myself, and I.
Fortunately, I happen to also know that I am strongly value and character driven. So the answer to my conundrum of being bored and lonely will come from following this simple rule:
Face down those fears every day by daring to do something that creates something new and positive.
This is a value that I believe in, and by facing fear I am building up own character. That’s pretty cool! And to acknowledge that small steps eventually yield great rewards, I can face small fears: helping out an acquaintance despite some imagined inconvenience, for example. It could also be writing a blog post, or replying to an email. Maybe it’s planting a flower, or giving someone an idea that they make their own. The only criterion I have is that whatever it is, it should leaves a tangible mark or impression–large or small–on the real world. That is worth doing, and it is a role I want to play.
The second simple rule is possibly even more important:
Lighten up, don’t be so serious, and remember most things are not of dire importance.
If I’m following this rule right, then what I do will be uplifting and fun for everyone around me. This is the feeling of a warm summer sun, lunching on a big rock in the mountains, celebrating and promoting those moments of life that make it really worth while.
So that’s where I’m at right now, and I’m pretty danged sure that this is the right way to go.
14 Comments
Nice one, I raise a glass to your noble aspirations – cheers! Here’s to lightening up and remembering that it’s really not all that bad after all.
Sorry to hear about the doldrums, Dave – I’ve had this experience myself, and wanted to offer an idea you may find useful: it may be a physical deficiency vs. a mental issue.
I learned recently that there’s a very strong connection between dietary intake and overall mood. When your body isn’t getting enough of the chemical precursors needed to generate mood-altering chemicals like serotonin, it’s really easy to fall into a funk – and not know *why*.
I take a simple multivitamin and Omega 3 every day for this reason – when I don’t, after a couple days I start to feel ennui / slightly grumpy for no reason, even when circumstances are great. (The last time I experienced this was on vacation.) Once I start taking the vitamins again, the cloud goes away.
I highly recommend picking up “The Mood Cure” by Julia Ross – it contains a lot of great information about how diet influences emotional states. Hope this helps!
Got this (http://snipurl.com/youmustrock [www_youtube_com]) via Twitter a couple of days ago and enjoyed it. When I got your post via email I immediately remembered it and thought you might enjoy it.
Take care and remember, YOU ROCK!
MB: Thanks!
Josh Kaufman: That’s an interesting observation…I have not been eating that well lately. I’ll give that a try.
Gilbert: That’s an awesome video, thanks for linking it! It reminded me, tangentially, of a book I used to read when I was a kid called “The Stainless Steel Rat”, which is a SciFi book by Harry Harrison. It would lift me out of a bad mood because the main character was so irrepressible.
The problem with the blahs is they suck the energy and motivation that you’d normally use preventing and dealing with them.
Absolutely right about the food! Add exercise and sleep and blood-sugar levels to the mix. In other words, be good to your body in every way.
Add sunlight. I don’t wear sunglasses fall through spring, unless I’m out for a long time. The St.John’s wort is already in the cupboard for the winter. (Brands vary—some did nothing for me, some are great.)
Volunteer. Sometimes I choose things that I can learn from, sometimes I want something brainless. Usually I choose something unrelated to my day job, and something quiet that others don’t line up to do. Going to the park with a garbage bag and tongs is easy to fit in. (It’s also good for sunlight, exercise, and meeting friends you haven’t met yet.)
We all need times of intropsection and extroversion to stay balanced and to learn about ourselves. The only danger is when we get stuck in one phase for too long.
Dave: I love the whole Stainless Steel Rat series! Like you, I took a lot of inspiration from his ability to accept major setbacks and then roll into another solution without losing stride. It reminded me of the feeling I had after watching “Amadeus” for the first time (and again after watching the first “Matrix”)—that somewhere within all of us was this unbelievable genius if we would only listen to our Muses. Definitely something Zen about how much effort we put into remaining mediocre. When we stop trying not to be exceptional we’re suddenly superstars. It’s the effort to not be at the top of our game that wears us out. (Cf Jack Canfield’s chapter “100% is Easy, 90% is a Bitch” in one of his books.)
I meant it when I said that you rock—I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from your Printable CEO series and your writings. It’s served as a reminder of how good design looks and feels when it communicates without getting in the way.
On a practical note, when I’m in a slump I wash dishes. Seriously. Wash dishes. By hand. Or do something else that requires constant activity but little attention. When I get into the mindlessness of the activity, it acts as a meditation and frees me to start evaluating what stumbling blocks I’ve been placing in front of myself and because I’m actually doing something useful I don’t have to feel guilty about it. One night I washed two sinkfuls of dishes, vacuumed and shampooed the den carpet and took three piles of trash out. My wife was amazed (and appreciative, but I’m trying to keep this to a PG rating) and when I was finished I’d somehow found a perspective on the problem that I hadn’t noticed before and the answer was within sight.
Hi Dave,
These last 2 posts have been pretty inspirational for me as I am also coming out of a “doldrums” type mood regarding activities. I tend to get worked up and try to plan out my goals and tell myself to just focus more but I know that won’t work either. I will definitely be keeping those 2 rules in mind going forward.
My Gawd! I also loved the Stainless Steel Rat!!
Count me in as a person going through the doldrums currently. I also noticed that I needed to go back to the routines that give my life structure and comfort like washing dishes and laundry. I had definitely stopped eating well too.
S’okay, as of right now … back on the Omega 3s, routines and what i like to call, Radical Self Care.
Thanks for making me think and inspiring me to action. And yeah, I missed your posts.
Katrina
Gilbert: Hey, we have a Stainless Steel Rat admiration society apparently with Katrina :-) I like your dishwashing tip…I have been doing this also lately, whereas in the past I might have tried to find something else distracting to do. Thanks for the kind words also…shucks! :-)
Andre: Sorry to hear you were also in the doldrums…I sometimes wonder I should even post about this at all, but then I figure that maybe there’s someone else out there who might see some glimmer of possibility through the sharing of it.
Katrina: I wonder if we slip away from structure because we associate it with routine, lack of choice, and being boring? I’m kind of a change junkie, and I’m impatient, and I am really picky about stuff… learning to find the joy in peace and solitude and isolation may be the thing to do for us. Maybe we can reframe “the doldrums” as a “vacation from being on” all the time, and allow ourselves to enjoy it.
Dear David:
I read your latest post and chose three cards for you, as an experiment to see if what comes up describes your situation and offers insight in any meaningful way. I’ve writen out an interpretation, – the reversed Knight of Wands, the 6 of Swords, and the King of Cups – and I’ll send it if you would like to read it.
Dear David:
This was too long, so I sent it in two parts.
I read your latest post and chose three cards for you, as an experiment to see if what comes up describes your situation and offers insight in any meaningful way. It’s a bit forward of me to approach you like this, but I have greatly enjoyed your posts over the years, so maybe I can return the favour a bit.
I read your latest post only once, and I’m trying to not remember what it said or what it was about because I don’t want to try to make things fit. This is also an experiment, and I am aware that the cards I chose might be more about me than about you.
I am assuming we can solve problems – humans being creative, after all. I am assuming also that our questions can be answered, though it might be hard sometimes to access purposeful thoughts. Poetry is good, as is art.
This is about the Tarot, but please don’t scoff because it’s like poetry or art. You might be wondering what to do, and remember a line from a song or a poem, and take heart from it since it speaks truth to you. “He not busy being born, is a-busy dying” is always a good one.
Or you might remember the Mona Lisa and realize that smiling enigmatically is the right way to handle these people under these circumstances right now. It might be different next month, or next week, or even tomorrow. Or you might come across the Armada portrait of Queen Elizabeth 1, and know that you should take on the challenge and conquer.
Anyway. I chose three cards at random with no question in mind. They might show past, present and future; or yes, no, maybe. Upright cards can be saying: This works, while reversed cards can be: This doesn’t work. Or, this is ok (upright), but this needs work (reversed) so don’t expect it to turn around unless you change your approach or your expectations or something. Or maybe we put them all together for a composite picture.
I used the Rider-Waite deck, and the first card was the Knight of Wands, reversed. This brings up thoughts like: it’s reversed, so something isn’t working; or, a message or messages are not getting through; or, lack of clarity results in poor communication; or, if you don’t have a goal or a destination in mind, you are always lost, even if you have a map.
The second card was the 6 of Swords – a man on a punt, carrying a woman and child towards the right. We might see movement away from a difficult situation; it certainly looks like improvement. How and why? The man in the picture is making the boat move = you are doing the hard work. You are, or have been, active. You have not just been sitting around, and your activity is paying off. If you have been sitting around, now is the time to get moving. Exercise? A gym subscription? A longer walk to a different Starbucks? They say that three twenty-minute walks per week is all you need to keep fit.
The Knight of Wands when reversed can mean wanting movement [onwards and upwards] but it is denied. Is this your ennui or lack of motivation? You have been thwarted in the past, perhaps too many times.
The 6 of Swords shows a man helping others get out of difficulty. The people are in a boat, but it’s not just about movement across water. The man’s actions may be solving their business or health or personal problems. This may be indicating what you are meant to do – i.e. fix people’s problems; maybe volunteer some of your time to help those who are in need. This can also mean writing more and posting more to your blog – we know the gratitude and thanks in the comments people leave for you. You have an audience, so talk to us more? Maybe start another blog with a different slant or on a different area of interest.
The third card was the King of Cups, and it may show what is coming next or later. Here we have a man in control, of his life and his emotions. He is a King, who is older and established, in contrast with the Knight who is younger and less fully-formed. This card, being a person, may show the arrival in your life of someone who will help you out, or it can show your future role of the caregiver. You also go from inexperience to maturity so the you who is making the decisions in the future is much changed and improved from the earlier version of yourself.
Part 2
The Knight reversed shows your philosophy was or is not correct, or is unexamined whereas it should be internally consistent and thought out. Are you working on implementing a philosophy that is truly yours? It’s not enough to adopt someone else’s, no matter how good it is. Why are you actually in life? You need to have an answer – even one that is temporary or a working copy if an answer – and build your actions on it.
The King and the 6 are upright, so we can say that generally they are ok.
The Knight is reversed, so it is what needs work.
A Knight is a messenger – so what do you want to say? What are you going to tell us? Have you thought about this enough? Did you get distracted part-way through a thought, or break off before finishing it or following it through to its logical conclusion? If so, keep going with the idea until you can put a full stop at the end of the sentence. Unfinished thoughts will translate into a feeling of unfulfillment in your life.
The Knight is youthful – so what did you always want to do with yourself? What did the young David dream of or fanticize about? This can be the key – remember what you always wanted to do, and actually do it now. We can consider that you wouldn’t have thought of it if you hadn’t been meant in some way to explore it – because of the direction it would take you in, or because of the rewards it would bring, or because you would find out it wasn’t what you really wanted, or whatever. While it remains unexplored, or un-cared for, it’s a source of emptiness and loneliness.
The Knight brings change – so what actions can you take now to bring about what you once wanted?
How to handle your ennui or your being in an existential vacuum?
If you start with or from outer conditions, you will become unstuck. The hypnotic influence of the world will talk you out of the truth that you know. We need to get the world, with its beliefs, to get over itself.
If Shakespeare or Goethe said it, then it’s worth thinking about and pondering over. They had answers. As did Lao Tze, Keats, and people like that.
If you heard it on the 10 O’clock News, it’s biased, so forget about it. As Bob Dylan once said: If I want to know what’s going on in the world, I don’t read Newsweek or Time Magazine.
I once saw a Grade 8 student on a Sally Jessie Raphael / Geraldo Rivera type show some years ago. She was being insulted and harassed by other Grade 8 students and thinking of dropping out of school. I wanted someone to ask her: These boys who are insulting you, are they intelligent people? She would answer: No, they’re not. And I would ask her: So why are you paying any attention to what they’re saying about you?
Some people never smoke and die of lung cancer. Others smoke 40 butts a day and do all the wrong things and live into their nineties. Who can really say if tobacco is harmful or not? Maybe for some, but not others. This is the problem with so much of the world’s apparent knowledge; there are always exceptions to the apparent rules. Why, then, should they apply to you?
I remember one of your posts about visiting a store – a clock or watch store, I think – in Boston. You were very taken with what they sold, and maybe it was some kind of gadget instead of a timepiece. What was the excitement or the appeal for you of that store? It was a real and genuine enjoyment, whatever it was.
Re-capture the feeling – it was right and real and yours. Re-live the moment.
Start from there. Move out from there.
John: Thanks for agreeing to post the reading directly! I was very curious, and I thought that readers would find it interesting also.
The reversed Knight of Wands is particularly intriguing, as it does reflect the feeling I have had about some subtle personal motivational traps I’ve fallen into, and that I am susceptible to being influenced by people I shouldn’t listen to. Or rather, I can IMAGINE such people existing, and I react to something that really doesn’t exist or can be known. This is rather foolish, but it’s a conditioned response. My conclusion was much like what you would have said the 8yo girl: “why are you paying attention to these thoughts?”
Regarding the watch store: It was that there was a store full of watches and watchmakers, people who cared about something that in a way had been made obsolete by mass-produced timepieces. Yet the shop survived, because there still are people who care about something precision made by hand, and that they would take the trouble to go to a real watch repair shop filled with old-world craftspeople. Anachronistic, unique, and perhaps ultimately doomed, yet somehow thriving and alive. That is what filled me with joy.
Did you feel much better now after writing this blog post?
I like this rule – “Face down those fears every day by daring to do something that creates something new and positive.”
I understand how it feels when someone want to play a (small) role in disseminating ideas in the real world.
Take care, buddy.