Viewing Category: Encounters
I've been to Salem many times, largely because one of my best friends from high school lives there. It's also because there is an excellent gourmet pie store, Gourmet Fare, on Pickering Wharf off Derby Street, a very good Thai restaurant (Bangkok Paradise), a pretty-decent comic book store (the name escape me), and a crowded little joke shop near the Peabody Essex Museum. And of course Salem is infamous for being the epicenter of the Witch Trials of 1692, in which hundreds of people were accused of witchcraft. Nineteen people were hanged before people woke up, sealing Salem's fate as Witch Central for the next several hundred years. Today, Salem is host to several museums and attractions about the witch trials. It's easy to find practicing witches, fortune tellers, spooky houses, magic shops, trinket hawkers and ghost tour operators that make Salem an interesting hodge podge of kitsch and history. I purposefully get my hair cut in nearby Danvers because it ensures I am in the area at least once a month to have dinner with friends. It's a relaxing place to hang out.
It was a beautiful late autumn day, and I was hanging out with several friends and acquaintances from out of town. We were there to get tarot readings from a medium who was, according to a friend of a friend, one of the best she had come across. I'd never been to a fortune teller before, so I tagged along for the experience. I'm generally a rational person, but there's a superstitious side to me that I rather enjoy exercising. I am the first person to toss pinches of salt over my shoulder, admittedly after a slight hesitation as my left brain flinches at the sheer irrationality of it all. If I inadvertently say something that sounds unlucky, I automatically look for the nearest piece of wood to knock. When I board an airplane, I do a private little ritual upon boarding that I am not going to share JUST IN CASE such rituals need to remain private to be effective. I don't know why I do these things, but part of me probably figures that it can't hurt. And who am I to believe that either I or Science really knows the Alpha and Omega of how the universe works? So I toss my salt and am nice to cats. A more practical application of my latent superstition can be seen in how I process patterns. When I notice something happen twice, I will often postulate that there is some cause or theory that can be divined. Should I notice something THREE times, then my brain is compelled to drop everything and investigate the matter more thoroughly. I see the repetition of three as a sign or omen that I should be paying attention. It's not so much that I believe in the Rule of Three, but I figure if I notice something that many times, my brain must be attuned to it in some way for some reason. Finding out why is often quite illuminating.
Anyway, given my particular superstitious-rationale proclivities, I was looking forward to having my fortune read by an actual medium. I am also a fan of Penn and Teller's show Bullshit, a show where the two libertarian magician-carnies investigate and debunk common wisdom and beliefs. It's fairly well known that mediums often employ a technique called Cold Reading, where you can convince someone that you know a lot more than you actually do through careful questioning. For example, I could ask you a number leading, open-ended questions design to illicit a reaction that is given away by your body language, and use that information to draw several conclusions which I can then use to postulate certain statements. Poker players will also be familiar with the tell, the noticeable change in behavior that gives other players some idea of the state of their hand. Has there been an increase player A's heart rate? Did their brow furrow for just a fraction of a second? The untrained body reacts involuntarily to stimuli, and the resulting microexpressions give away quite a bit about a person's emotional state before they are masked. You can even pick up emotional cues from instant messaging by observing changes in grammar and typing speed. The general gist is this: our bodies leak emotional data like a sieve, and there are people who are skilled at collating this data into educated guesses about a person's emotional state and belief system. And we're not even taking clues like speech patterns, social habits, style of dress, and ethnicity into account, which provide MOUNTAINS of contextual data to further polish the cold read. With all this state readily available to the cold reader, all it takes is an innocuous statement or two to start a cascading chain reaction of micro expressions, bodily movements, and often additional volunteered information. A well-worded and delivered inquiry swathed in the cloth of a statement is all it takes. It's not unlike mindful graphic design, marketing, or branding. On a personal level, however, a good-hearted cold reader will use this knowledge to help. Con men will use it to disenfranchise the gullible, who are those people who desperately need to believe in something for a particular reason at a particular time. And of course, that means we are ALL gullible.
CONTINUE READING ...
I've been to Salem many times, primarily because one of my best friends from High School lives there, and partially because there is an excellent gourmet pie store, Gourmet Fare, on Pickering Wharf off Derby Street. The town is also host to one of my favorite Thai restaurants (Bangkok Paradise), an excellent comic book store, and a crowded joke shop near the Peabody Essex Museum. And of course Salem is infamous for being the site of the Salem Witch Trials of 1692, in which hundreds of people were accused of witchcraft during the frenzy. Nineteen people were hanged, sealing Salem's fate as Witch Central here in the United States for the next several hundred years. Today, Salem features several museums and attractions about the witch trials. There are also plenty of practicing witches, fortune tellers, spooky houses, magic shops, and ghost tour operators that help make Salem the interesting hodge podge of kitsch and history that I enjoy. I purposefully get my hair cut in nearby Danvers because it ensures I am in the area at least once a month to have dinner with friends.
This past week, I was back in Salem for a different reason. It was a beautiful late autumn day with several friends and acquaintances, and we were there to get tarot readings from a medium who was, according to a work acquaintance of one of my friends, one of the best she had come across. I'd never been to a fortune teller before, though I'd thought of going for a while for the experience. While I'm generally a rational person, there's a ritualistic side to me that I enjoy exercising. I am the first person to toss fistfuls of salt over my shoulder should spillage occur on my watch. If I inadvertently say something unlucky, I automatically look for the nearest piece of wood to knock. When I board an airplane, I do a private little ritual that for some reason I don't want to share in case it's bad luck. I don't know why I do these things, but part of me likes the idea of being mindful of what you do. So there's that part of it. A more practical application of my latent superstitious side can be found in how I process patterns in my experience. When I notice something happen twice, I will often postulate some cause of theory related to that observation. When I notice something happen THREE times, then my brain is compelled to drop everything and investigate the matter more thoroughly. I see the repetition of three as a kind of sign or omen that I should be paying attention.
NOTE: I am still getting used to Expression Engine and was not expecting my quick saves to be published...oops! So I will split this entry, which I actually had just started writing, into two posts. And to prevent future gaffes, I've changed my default EE publishing preference to save entries as CLOSED now.
Some friends of mine have been playing World of Warcraft, and they have finally sucked me back into the game. Ok, I admit that I'm curious about the new expansion pack, The Burning Crusade, but I've also read how Joi Ito uses WoW for business networking and socializing. This is a fascinating idea: by learning how to play together, maybe you can find people to work with too. Those of you who have played any multiplayer online game knows how much coordination and teamwork is involved. As the days go by, you really learn a lot about people by how they cooperate online...it's the new golf. The chances of hooking up with another productivity enthusiast at random is pretty low otherwise.
A CAST OF CHARACTERS
Although I haven't put as much time into WoW recently, I was an alpha tester way back so I've played quite a bit of it through its various incarnations. I still have a few retail chars that I've transferred from my old realm to Echo Isle to hang out with my friends. I'm too lazy to level back up to a "fun level", so this is who is in the character roster at the moment. WARNING: GEEKY NOTES FOLLOW :-)
Rendeihl is a Paladin. Functionally speaking, a Paladin combines Priest (healer) and Warrior (melee fighter) skills, with extra abilities related to divine auras and smiting the malodorous Undead.
I tend to play Rendeihl as a no-nonsense but helpful character. However, it looks like she shops for her armor at the Stormwind Salvation Army...nothing matches! That is probably because she has a penchant for very large axes and can't help but buy the latest one she can afford. I dimly remember thinking that she grew up in a Mediterranean-like environment, hence the swarthiness.
Then there's Rendellini, a level 23 mage who is very proud of his fancy mustache and well-shaped head. It's a sign of excellent genetics, according to his grandmother. I can't remember what kind of magic he specialized in---fire, I'm guessing---but the combination of small stature and large fireballs creates an amusing visual dichotomy.
Since I have the Burning Crusade trial installed, I thought I'd try the new Dranei race to see what their home zone looked like---the art in World of Warcraft is beautiful, so it behooves me to check every nook and cranny of the world (which takes several hours merely to walk across). Rendheml is a Priest (Healer), a class I generally enjoy playing because hitting things gets old. Plus, Rendheml has awesome hair. She's a mere level 3, but is "fierce". Maybe one day she'll be a runner-up "Azeroth's Next Top Model".
FREAK OUT!
I got a "charter" to establish a new guild, which shall be named "Défenseurs des Opprimés", which means "Defenders of Underdogs". After paying for and receiving the charter, the next step is to find 9 other people to endorse it to make the guild an official organization. I suddenly realized that I was now by default the guild master...I had inadvertently started a company!
My first panicked thought was, I'm not ready! There are others better qualified to lead! I haven't played WoW in almost two years, and I don't remember how to play any of the character classes at the level of efficiency that's required to run a smooth run on a big instanced dungeon. I have no custom UI set up, have never used TeamSpeak, and I don't know the back way into any of the interesting instanced dungeons though my character still seems to have all the keys. I remembered one time when I mistimed a heal spell and got the entire party killed just minutes from finishing a 4-hour mission. Failure and doom!
I realized then: this might be good practice for starting a real company some day! :-) What is important is not what skills you ultimately have in terms of game mechanics, but in establishing the groundwork for a functional organization. And that means having a clear mission right up front. I need to get comfortable with that, and remember that my emphasis shifts from being able to "do" everything to "being responsible" for directing other people toward a goal. When you become a manager for the first time, this is one of the mental transitions that you have to make.
In terms of this guild, my main goal is to maintain a friendly tone of cooperation for casual players of the game and make some new friends.
HOW TO FIND US
If you're on the Echo Isle realm and want to hook up, leave a comment below and I'll add you to my friends list. I'll likely be playing Rendellini, but Rendeihl is the one who bought the guild charter. I'm not a WoW expert by any means, but it's a fun diversion and I'm looking forward to playing again for a few months.
Find out what happens when a bunch of positive-minded, productivity-lovin' people form a guild!
UPDATE: Here's the Temporary Guild WIKI Page to sign up. Reminds me of BarCamp :-)
I remember being a shy child, confused by how people expected me to follow their mysterious rules, unhappy at being told my questions were dumb. When I entered college in 1986 as a computer engineering major, I lived an introverted and awkward existence. I didn't date, go to parties, or even have any hobbies than making graphics on my computer and running a local bulletin board. It's twenty years later, and I feel I've finally broken free of my introverted tendencies. How do I know? I had a good time attending a business networking event, and I actually initiating conversations. Bizarre!
How did this surprising-but-slow-moving transformation take place? I think it had everything to do with discovering who I am, and then having the guts to believe that I was right.
1. Be Comfortable by Knowing Yourself First.
It's hard to talk naturally and authentically (very important) if you're feeling uncomfortable. In fact, when people give you advice to "be yourself", they're really telling you to be comfortable and relaxed the way they know you in person. The tricky part that when you're out of your element, you still need to know who you are by defining it for yourself. A lot of the time, we let the social context define us. And when you feel you are playing a role that "just isn't you", you either need to practice that role so you own it, or find another one that works better for you. Both approaches requires that you set the rules.
So why don't we set the rules ourselves? My guess is that it's our tendency to let other people's expectations override them. Most social contexts carry certain expectations of normative behavior; if you went to a "cliquey" school, you know what I mean. The strength of the individuals is a function of the strength of the group, which is often anchored by a strong leader surrounded by supporters. Outside of the group, individuals revert to their normal selves. Another mechanism at play is creating scary bogeymen out of what we think the expectations are of "someone like me" fitting in an accomplished (so we think) group of people.
I've learned to clarify myself in terms that make sense to those other groups of people, and therefore I've created my own role as designer, programmer, or whatever. This is primarily an exercise in marketing for optimum audience and opportunity, which is a good place to start. However, sticking to this approach alone is an example of zero sum thinking; you'll get back whatever percentage of exposure you've gleaned from splitting that very very large pie of opportunity.
Once I defined these marketable terms, I found that the next step was to live them. Just thinking of myself as a service provider has never sat well with me, and it's because I've always wanted to make tangible product that represented me. Blogging was the first time I did this, and it is very satisfying. Taking the steps to create my own product has crystallized my actions further: this is what I want to do and I love talking about it. It's really me. This makes all the difference in my comfort level, and unlike a social context I can take it with me wherever I go.
2. Forget About Pleasing Everyone.
I mentioned that defining those broad market-recognized terms was good in helping establish a starting point for self-definition. A lot of small companies don't go farther than this, content with being identified in a recognized "marketplace" where they can play games with audience exposure and compete on price, service, quality, and location. There's generally a lot of business, and the veterans know that with consistent hard work, they're practically guaranteed a certain percentage of the market.
The next stage of thinking, as far as I'm concerned, is not to optimize for broad market reach. It's to create a very small market, based on very unique qualities that don't appeal to everyone. Make them appeal to the people that you like to work with, and recognize that if you can fall broadly into the price point of the "generic" markets, you will be the natural choice. I suppose that "specialization" would be what this is called, but think beyond the names of industries. Think about what YOU WANT people respond to on a visceral level, and then clarify THAT so it can be communicated with strength, vigor, and unshakable belief.
The practical benefit of this: I didn't worry about connecting with everyone at the networking event. I looked for people that had interesting expressions on their faces or worked for interesting-sounding companies. And then, I let my natural desire to collect stories spill out as enthusiasm, because that's what I want. I used to be afraid to show any enthusiasm, because technical crowds tend to not value this very much. This is an example letting a social context define who you are. Now, I see the ability to express enthusiasm through my daily interactions as critical in maintaining a ready supply of enthusiasm coming back to me.
To summarize three critical takeaways:
Having the courage to own your solitude gives you the breathing room to find the people you really want to talk to, based on your values. Don't let the social context dictate your desires, unless it actually is prudent.
To make a connection, you need to communicate what you'd like to receive in return. For me, I think of myself as the Mayor: I'm happy doing what I'm doing where I design and blog, and talking about that to interested people. Likewise, I like to hear about what they're doing in their own "towns".
For anything to happen, you do need to get out of the house and talk to people about what you're doing. Talk to anyone...the more the better. Some people won't have the patience or interest, but don't take that personally...they're not the people for you to talk to about those topics. I've experienced maybe a 1 in 20 hit rate for people that I really feel an affinity for on some level. If you're a normal person with normal hobbies and television watching habits, your chances are quite probably better because you have more to talk about.
Trials and Tribulations
One surprising blessing: Speed Dating.
I've had mixed success: the first time out, I got about a 50% response rate, which dropped to 10% response rate for the second time. The funny thing is that the second time out, I actually had a better time, hanging out with new friends at the bar and chatting naturally and laughing. Looking at the low response rate, I think I may have overdone the friendly side of things and came off as "not serious about starting a relationship" guy. I keep forgetting people were there to find that kind of connection. Plus, sometimes it seems that women around here think dating an Asian guy is like buying an off-brand car like a Renault or a Mitsubishi, but I could just be imagining this.
But I digress! The point is that compared to speed dating, business networking isn't that hard at all.
Secondly, I've been trading technical services for coaching with my friend Senia. She specializes in positive psychology, action, and entrepreneurship, and is highly adept at listening to people and asking the right questions. At first I wasn't sure if I would even benefit from coaching because I am pretty good at self-analysis, but she's helped me clarify a lot of my own thinking just by asking intelligent questions and proposing quirky-yet-practical methods of getting to action. I might have eventually gotten to here by myself, but I'm sure it would have taken a lot longer to dig myself out of my rut, and not been as fun.
Thirdly, I've read a couple more books by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist. I loved the Alchemist (recommended by Senia, in fact, years ago), but hadn't bothered to explore his other books. A new friend of mine, met at one of the speed dating events, told me that The Alchemist is part of a loose trilogy of books: The Pilgrimage and The Fifth Mountain also deal with themes about purpose, mission, and achieving one's dream and purpose in life. They were the right books at the right time, helping me define and then commit to a path. With this established, my comfort level with myself has risen greatly, and this in turn puts more opportunities within my grasp.
Wrapping Up
I keep coming back to the original premise behind my first Printable CEO form, the Concrete Goals Tracker: There are two main ways to accomplish your goals:
Make things that other people can see, so they can react intuitively.
Make a real connection with people, so they connect with you.
The second one is really about creating energy and being exposed to opportunities you wouldn't have found by yourself; these are the best qualities of social networking as far as I'm concerned. Creating more opportunities to meet people is one of the best things you can do, period.
"You aspire to great things? Begin with the little ones."
Despite this not really being a fortune, it's still pretty darn good.
